The Smoking Argus

In their never ending attempt to obtain a government love license, the homosexual movement has apparently found a loophole. The government must immediately seek to close this glaring omission of the law and stop the notion that love can be obtained without government’s consent. In a post 9/11 world, love must be reserved for those who are capable of providing the government with subsequent generations of offspring in order to ensure the proper repayment of debt. If we allow just anyone to love, then how will the bankers government continue to keep us safe, strong  and free from the evil spooky gays terrorists.

(much [unlicensed] love to Young Americans for Liberty for posting this video.)

Source(s): The Onion News Network

Mandy Hyndman

By now Muntadhar al-Zaidi is a household name–well, an Iraqi household name anyway.  Americans aren’t very advanced about pronouncing hard things like ‘Muntadhar’, ‘nuclear’ or ‘grape’.  Regardless, al-Zaidi became a household name when, in a fit of nominal determinism (al-Zaidi translates to:  dumb-dumb who throws shoes at foreign leaders), he chucked his loafers at George W. Bush (America’s ex) during a press conference in Baghdad on December, 14, 2008.  The sober lifestyle has done wonders for Bush’s reflexes because he quickly ducked out of the paths of the flying shoes and escaped injury.

al-Zaidi, who has been detained ever since the incident, was today sentenced to three years imprisonment, the minimum for attacking a foreign leader,  after claiming in his testimony that what he did was a natural reaction to the US occupation of Iraq. Outraged supporters say the verdict was unjust.   His defense attorney claimed al-Zaidi should be set free as his act was “an expression of freedom and does not constitute a crime.”  I realize that democracy is a new concept in Iraq, and the whole ‘freedom of expression’ thing is fun to play with, but is that supposed to be some kind of joke?  The man threw not one, but two projectiles at the US president!  Could someone please explain to me why it is that I’m not allowed to wear shoes in an American airport with a bunch of regular, unimportant people but a reporter in Baghdad can throw his at the leader of the free world and come out whining about his sentence being too harsh?  I mean, seriously, Munthadar al-Zaidi should be kissing the pee-soaked cement floor of his jail cell every morning because he doesn’t have 372 bullet holes in his rotting corpse!  I’m surprised that president Bush, an avid Texan, didn’t pull out some kind of unnecessarily large handgun and start picking people off in his own defense.

It’s not that I don’t understand what if feels like to look at the bobbling, offensive head of George W. Bush and want to throw shoes, flaming bags of poo, or embryonic stem cells.  Believe me, no one despises the man more than those of us who had our country hijacked twice by his mindless horde of, what I like to call, anti-progress zombies.  The thing is, if you throw anything at the US president and the most you get is three years in prison and the undying loyalty and respect of your countrymen, you should probably conisider yourself very, very lucky.

Jeff Lewis

(Original Content) - Editor’s Note: Possibly NSFW -

For over a Decade now, the leggy blond skeletal framed female pundit and author known as Ann Coulter, has spewed her political inanities and absurdities. In the process, she penned several best selling books serving to incite her fellow conservative minions. Her vitriolic pen and incorrect or sometimes wholly absent fact checking/sourcing has gone relatively unchallenged by mainstream American culture.

For some time now, she has been expounding on the sexuality of her liberal targets, accusing John Edwards of being gay¹, insisting MSNBC host Chris Matthews has a “man crush” on Barack Obama², and questioning Al Gore’s masculinity³, just to name a few. Recently, during an interview with Joy Behar on CNN, who was sitting in for Larry King, she went so far as to opine that conservative women experience greater, more powerful orgasms than her liberal counterparts.⁴

I thought, “That’s it, I have heard enough!” How in the hell would she know enough about the dynamics of human sexuality to make such an outrageous statement? On what research model did she base this utterly preposterous assumption and point of view? It could not possibly be based on her life experience, unless, of course, she has engaged in sufficient enough sexual activity with liberal and conservative women, or at least observed same, conventional logic dictates.

She claims to have attended dozens of Grateful Dead concerts all over the country.⁵ Anyone who has ever attended even one such performance, is instantly reminded that they are witnessing a miniature Woodstock: Masses of scantily clad and unclad youth reveling in a dope induced euphoria where casual sex is as easily obtained as a joint or other hallucinogen. My imagination does not permit me to see Miss Coulter lying on a blanket on the ground, or in a Volkswagen minibus, groveled and defiled by some long hair tattooed devotee of Jerry Garcia. Any person who has ever had sex with Ann Coulter has most certainly never bragged about it publicly, let alone even acknowledged such behavior.

The disposition she manifests in her public persona is repellant to any such notion of coitus. When I hear her drone on in her condescending nasal utterances, as she bullies her way through interviews, she reminds me of a modern day Circe (The vixen who turned Odysseus’ men into pigs), except she turns her male followers into sheep. She exudes what most right wing media stars do to attract their ovine like audiences, while they bleat their pronouncements about the evils of liberals they liken them to a horde of locusts descending on the country’s body politic.

When many of my friends returned from Vietnam in the 60 and 70, they told me about some of the unpublished horrors they experienced and heard while in uniform of our armed services. Two stories which come to mind when I think about Ann Coulter. One, was a rumor that any G.I. should be wary of having unprotected sex with local Vietnamese women because they had a V.D. that, “Scared the shit out of penicillin!” and two, If you opted to use penile protection, some Vietnamese prostitutes put razor blades in their vagina that would slice a penis to ribbons!

Thus, I have no idea who or with whom Ann Coulter has had sex with…Sheep perhaps, that I would buy.

Source(s): ¹Denver Post “Coulter’s Gay Slur Draws Fire” • ²AOL News Political Machine “Chris Matthews’ Mancrush Obama” • ³Media Matters “The Coulter-Matthews-Dowd continuum” • ⁴Salon “Joy Behar vs. Ann Coulter: The smackdown” • ⁵Newsweek “The Secret War”

Mandy Hyndman

In an effort to recover some of the sanctity of their image, the Kellogg company has chosen a new spokesperson to replace uber-olympian Michael Phelps.  Phelps, the moron who allowed someone to photograph him hitting a bong, expressed his regret for the behavior but didn’t think to claim that he hadn’t inhaled.  It is doubtful, however, that the loss of this contract will do anything to harm the endorsement-lined pockets of Mr. Phelps’ Speedo.  McDonald’s will always be there paying him to shove poison down the throats of the world’s children.

So who does Kellogg have in mind  that will be more “consistent with our image?”  That’s easy!  Pastor Fred Phelps of the Westboro Baptist Church (www.godhatesfags.com).  When reached for comment Phelps, whose hobbies include picketing the funerals of American soldiers claiming that God has killed them because the United States has become one big cesspool of “fag enablers,”  Didn’t seem as willing to seal the deal as Kellogg.  “Kellogg?  Is that the one that makes Fruit Loops?  Are you kidding me?  They make the cereals with the giant cock on the box and the three noisy fag-elves, and that tiger that prances around wearing a red scarf and nothing else!  The Kellogg company is a lot of fag-loving Jews!  They’re the reason for AIDS and parking tickets and Simon Cowell!”

Perhaps Kellogg will consider giving Tony the Tiger a picket sign that says “You will eat your children” in their attempt to get Fred Phelps on-board.  They feel optimistic.

Joseph Marohl

I like to think I am not a Christian. But I used to be, and if once-saved-always-saved holds true I will be spending eternity with a choir of angels on streets paved with gold. Like it or not.

Now the Righteous Voices, who still doggedly reside in my brain, spiritual squatters that they are, say: It must be that you were never TRULY born again.

Well, if I wasn’t, I can’t say who ever was. I certainly threw my whole heart and soul into it … for nearly 25 years … though the shine wore off my salvation a good 10 years earlier.

My faith in Christ’s atonement died in periodic spasms from about 1973 to 1982. I tried my best to keep it going, but it just up and died. Still, some vestiges remain.

So today’s subject is: What’s left?

It’s this: the Sermon on the Mount (Matt. 5-7). Those words, solemn, stern, compassionate, a little loony, matter-of-fact, and transcendent, still knock me out:

“Blessed are the not so impressive, because they are what it’s all about. And blessed are lies, hate, injustice, intolerance, and dirty tricks against you, because they mean you must be doing something right.

“You are what you are in the same way that salt is salty. Don’t lose your personal saltiness. Who wants salt that’s flavored to taste like anything but salt?

“And you are a light in the world—so let yourself shine.

“I’m not here to abolish religion as you understand it. I’m here to show you what it’s really all about—it’s all right here, not a bit of it is missing: ‘Be to other people what you would like God to be to you.’

“It’s not just ‘pure in word and deed’ that makes you good. It’s your whole attitude towards other people. You can’t be good and disrespectful of others.

“If you find yourself wanting to do something nice for God and suddenly remember that you’ve treated somebody kind of badly. Forget God for a moment, and go fix up the mess you’ve made with your fellow human being. Take care of that other business before you start trying to impress God.

“And don’t think God’s impressed because you repress your sexual desires. Repressed or unrepressed, desires are desires. Do whatever you have to—poke out your eye, even—to control your desires. See where that gets you.

“Both what you do and what you think affect other people. Get that through your head.

“Forget keeping your promises, don’t make any promises in the first place. Let your ‘yes’ mean yes and your ‘no’ mean no. Don’t stake anything on the future, because the future is out of your control.

“Do not fight evil. If slapped, turn the other cheek. If robbed, find something else of yours to give to the thief. If forced to walk one mile, walk two. If asked for something, give it, and never reject a borrower’s request.

“Love your enemies and pray for those out to get you. God shines the same sun on the good and the evil—if you love only what’s good, you’re not loving the way God loves. [Wow.]

“Don’t show off your good deeds. Nobody needs to know you’re doing people favors. In fact, it’s best to give with such blind generosity that you don’t even know exactly how much you’re giving away.

“Keep your praying to yourself, too. Don’t let other people see you at it. And when you pray, say something like this—‘Father in Heaven, have it your way, you’re the one that’s holy and everything … not me. Just let me have what I need for today, and don’t keep tabs on what I owe you in the same way I don’t keep tabs on what others owe me. And don’t test me or let really awful things happen to me.’

“Forgiveness comes only to those who forgive. If you don’t forgive others, God won’t forgive you.

“When you deny yourself, don’t be all passive-aggressive about it. Look presentable. Let the fact that you’re sacrificing something for the good of someone else just be your and God’s little secret.

“Don’t invest, and don’t save. You can’t understand anything about Heaven if you’ve get a stock portfolio.

“And stop worrying. Don’t worry about life, or food, or health, or clothes. Life is more important than food, and your body is more important than clothing. Look at the birds, for instance—what kind of career path do birds have? and what kind of savings account? Yet God takes care of them, right? Show me one person who added an hour to life by worrying.

“And clothes? Sheesh. Look at the wild flowers and talk to me about haute couture—I dare you. And they get it for free! Show me a lily with an AmEx card. You can’t. So stop whining. And stop being so stingy. Stop waiting for your ship to come in. Instead, look for God’s kingdom (and, guess where it is—inside you). Don’t worry about the future because, believe me, you can’t handle that shit right now.

“Stop sizing up people. Or they’ll start sizing you up. The standards you measure others by will end up being the same standards they’ll measure you by.

“How dare you judge people for their little defects when you yourself are totally fucked up! Fix yourself first—and once you’re all perfect, you can maybe then dust the dandruff off the other guy’s shoulder.

“Stop wasting what’s really valuable on unimportant shit. Because, in the end, that unimportant shit will tear you up.

“Ask and you get. Seek and you find. Knock and the door will open. This is the way things work. You get what you ask for. You see what you look for. You end up where you’re heading.

“After all, if your kids want breakfast, which one of you would give them rocks instead? So if you know how to do nice things for your children—and, believe me, you are dicks, all of you—how much better does God, who’s like PERFECT, know how to do nice things for you? So religion in a nutshell is this: Be to other people what you would like to imagine God would be to you. What goes around comes around.

“Don’t follow the mainstream. The mainstream is for losers.

“And don’t trust preachers. They look okay on the outside, but they are wolves underneath. What you need to pay attention to is what they create. If what they create is bullshit, then they’re assholes. Simple as that.

“Not everybody who talks for God knows anything about God. Be suspicious. And remember what I said about the mainstream. Real goodness doesn’t advertise. Real goodness comes with no price tag. Real goodness is worth more than it appears to be worth. Real goodness produces more real goodness.”

Joseph Marohl

Step One. No employee or executive of a given company can earn more than fifty times what any other employee or executive in the same company earns. No exceptions.

Step Two. Productivity and usefulness will always receive greater rewards than consumption and ineffectuality. Need will always receive greater compensation than cunning.

Step Three. No wealth is inheritable. Personal wealth dissolves upon decease. Survivors may purchase properties thus left in limbo—and in life, individuals are free to give gifts to whomever they please.

Step Four. Every college and university student will have to minor in some area to ensure that she or he can make and repair something of use to society or can provide another service that has demonstrable benefits to others.

Step Five. Nothing in the universe will cost more than a million dollars. Anyone who buys anything that costs a million dollars will know up front that he or she will never see a profit from reselling it. The cost of things will be adjusted to fit the new economy—no form of housing will cost more than $70,000, no bicycle will cost more than $100, no loaf of bread more than 25 cents, etc.

Step Six. Workers and investors will share equally in the profits of any venture—with exceptions for work and investments of exceptional value (provided such value can be supported in evidence). Workers and investors will share equally in the risks of any venture—with exceptions for workers or investors for whom the costs of the risk are demonstrably more severe than for other workers or investors.

Step Seven. Advertising will be restricted to the description of verifiable facts about the product (size, color, ingredients, etc.) or the service (time frame, processes, equipment, etc.). No promises will be made or implied that products contribute meaningfully to one’s sex life, sense of belonging, closeness to nature, patriotism, rebel image, desire for eternal youth, or admiration for small animals and children. Appeals to magical thinking or impulse will be strictly forbidden.

Step Eight. The porn industry will be recognized as a religious organization—in the service of the god Eros. Like other religious groups, it will operate tax free, yet remain free to encroach on legislation and judicial interpretation of laws uninhibitedly. If politicians and judges caught with their panties down are no more subject to censure or impeachment than a new President who commissions three Protestant prayers for his inauguration, the nation may spare itself the cost of investigating, censuring, and impeaching politicians over what they do with their willies and pussies with consenting partners.

(Of course, it would seem to make better sense to tax porn … and churches …, just to relieve the public debt, if nothing else, though arguably porn, anyway, provides a service to society.)

Allison Bricker

Another day, another scandal, and all before the inauguration. Senate documents indicate that President-Elect Obama’s choice for Secretary of the Treasury, New York FEDERAL RESERVE President, Timothy Geithner failed to pay over $31,000 Dollars in Income Taxes from monies received while working for the International Monetary Fund.

Laughably, Mr. Geithener failed to properly figure his total tax liabilities while filing his own tax returns according to the Internal Revenue Service. Thus loyal readers, we have a  professional central banking criminal, Johns Hopkins University educated, with a “Masters” in international economics, tax cheat as the future Secretary of the Treasury, ah – another example of “Change we can believe in”. Perhaps the question we need to ask, could Mr. Geithner count that “Change” back to you correctly?

It should come as no surprise that since all the plutocratic scum know one another in their incestuous playground of plunder, that the Internal Revenue Service opted to waive the penalties for their good central banker friend, Mr. Geithner.

Ah but Mr. Geithner’s belief that his elitest little click is somehow above the law did not stop at his failure to pay the proper amount of taxes. Our future Secretary of the Treasury, also decided to hire some “household help” without properly verifying work status. This then led to him having in his employ an individual not authorized to legally work in the United States.

If either of these errors were committed by average Americans it is likely that there would be some serious fines, imprisonment, or perhaps even a trip to Guantanamo for illegally conspiring with Jihadist housekeepers or some other trumped up charge used in the Global War on Terror the Constitution.

Even more sickening, is the fact Senator Orin Hatch (R-UT) who will be sitting on the confirmation hearing and who is also a member of the House/Senate Joint Committee on Taxation said Mr. Geithner’s failure to pay his full tax liability is “no problem”.

Loyal readers, these people are out and out scum, they deserve not to be bestowed with the “public trust” or the honor of taking an oath of office, which they will surely use to wipe their feet. They deserve to be tarred, feathered, rode out of town on a rail, and tried as criminals to the Constitution and this Republic.

How long? How much longer are we going to tolerate these incestuous leches, their double-standards, and their blatant disregard for our inherent liberties, justice, and the sacrifice of the Founding Generation? The evils are becoming far less sufferable and the tree is getting thirstier all the while.

Source: Senate Finance Committee on Geithner’s Taxes

Allison Bricker

During a press conference with Iraqi Prime Minister al-Malaki in Baghdad, an Iraqi journalist throws his shoes at the President.

Kelly

As the “it’s going to get worse before it gets better” sound-bite is certain to be the bumper sticker slogan of December-let us not forget to be grateful for another day that the furnace is working, our clothes are perhaps dated, yet clean, and our internet connection is still streaming high def. Join me in my twisted nature to read the doom and gloom and then find a reason to laugh.

Monday’s Doom and Gloom

Mike Harvey: Times must be hard, Americans are buying Spam again

Thomas Watkins, AP: In lean times SoCal gun owners trade arms for eats

William Pfaff: Remaking the World in America’s Image

Monday’s Crackpot Educator

Jim Fitzgerald, AP: Teacher sorry for binding girls in slavery lesson

Monday’s Funny

Mandy Hyndman

I’m seeking information regarding the accommodations of the auto industry executives visiting Washington this week. I’d like to send them each a pair of kneepads for what will logically be the next hoop through which congress makes them jump in order to receive more government bailout funds. I by no means intend to imply that I sympathize with the heads of these major corporations. In fact I think they’re complete scumbags and rather enjoy seeing them snivel and brown-nose. I love that they cast aside the luxury of their private jets for the chastity of hybrid cars for their second trip to our nation’s capital but–come on. Are we really in a place to criticize them for their preferred method of travel? Us? America?

Here in America we drive our SUV down to the mailbox because it’s cold outside. Our children (and probably teenagers) find Ronald McDonald more recognizable than the president and think that ellamenno is a letter. People think N.P.R stands for ‘Nerdy People Reading’. We know ONE language and would rather drink battery acid than learn another. People are feeding SPAM to their families for dinner so they can still afford a Wii for X-mas. Hawaii is flanked by two floating masses of plastic garbage that cover about twice the area of the continental United States and we STILL carry our groceries in disposable plastic bags. We want to destroy protected areas to get to oil because we would rather bathe in it than get on a damn bicycle once in a while. We would rather build a military befitting Alexander the Great than give our schools the funds to educate our children because dumb kids are apparently a whole lot easier to send to their death. We, if it were legal, would gladly lynch people for criticizing our government yet it is the most patriotic thing a person can do–or at least used to be. I honestly don’t know how to be patriotic in the USA anymore. Nowadays red white and blue just remind me of jingoistic country songs and cheap plastic tablecloths (which will undoubtedly find their way into the Pacific ocean)–tacky and meaningless.

We are a nation of such excess and ignorance that a thousand years from now people will look back and see us as…well, there won’t be any people a thousand years from now. There won’t be anything living that can’t survive in the toxic irradiated pus that will be the Earth’s atmosphere and we, America, are by leaps and bounds the ones to blame. As entertaining as it is to see executives who once thought themselves the gods of American industry humbled like petulant children bereft of Nintendo DS privelages, how dare we hypocritically cluck our tongues and point our fingers? Our melodramatic and superficial embrace of green culture will surely be replaced soon enough by some other fad (probably some kind of bizarre butter diet) and the boys in Detroit will be flying the friendly skies in their private jets again before we can say “A B ellamenno.” That is the American way. Doesn’t it make you proud?